I noticed the ducks close to the beach on one of my favorite winter walks. The ocean was quiet, calm, its hue a deep sparkling blue. The sun was bright, and there were no clouds in the sky. The air was still and cold. In the stillness, the cold was not rough. It touched my face with a gentleness that eased my skin to adjust. My body immediately relaxed on a long breath, and my muscles let go of the tension they held.
I skipped down the steps to the beach with a renewed energy and the thought of a few moments of peace. I was excited to stretch out and I took longer strides down the beach. I felt fixated by a group of ducks gliding near the water’s edge. I got close and had to hop back a few steps because the waves came in fast.
Four or five ducks also got a little too close to the incoming tide because they got caught by a wave rolling into shore. It was brief, they all jumped at the same time to the back of the wave and swam away from the tugging tide. Once they were clear of the wave, they shook their tales in unison to discharge the event. Then they moved on and rejoined their flock.
The ducks moved gingerly as a group, I noticed how they stayed together a few feet apart. There was about a dozen in the flock and twice while I watched, a few split off. They did not go far from the group. They seemed to separate to talk or explore, and then seamlessly they returned to the flock.
The flock reminded me of my family that gathered and grew, sometimes breaking off to talk or the children to play, but always coming back together. Milling about each other leisurely content, it was where they belonged. I belonged too. There was a feeling of safety, protection and belonging from the outside world. And isn’t that what we all want, a place to belong?
I stepped inside the red shingled building and heard the jingle of the door as it closed behind me. I was met with the familiar rush of warm air, the smell of chocolate, and age. It smelled a little old, the way my grandmother’s house did. Like the rugs hadn’t been changed in 60 years. Clean, well kept, and old.
I moved further inside, took my plastic number from a hook, and started to wander around the room, happy to have some time before my number was called to enjoy looking at all the different chocolates. There were chocolate gold coins that I couldn’t resist getting for my children’s stockings, and some chocolate bark with sea salt for my husband. Even though that wasn’t part of the original plan, it made me smile, and I felt happy to surprise them. I listened as customers talked to each other, old friends asking about each other’s families and holiday plans.
My turn came up and the woman who has served me since the first time I came in 30 years ago, smiled and asked me what I would like. I replied with my usual Christmas order; “a half pound of dark chocolate orange creams and a half pound box of chocolate, chocolate, walnut, and Panucci fudge.” She nodded her head, reached for the boxes, wove through customers, and carried out her job with a calm demeanor despite the busyness of the day. I stood next to her while she put the pieces of fudge neatly in a box. I asked her to add one piece of Panucci for me and she looked up with a small smile and crinkled eyes and asked, “just one?” I laughed, returned her smile with a big one of my own, and said, “no I’ll have two, thank you.”
I followed her to the counter where she wrote a list of the prices of my candy with a piece of paper and a pen, added them up the same way I learned to do addition in elementary school. She told me the total and I handed her my credit card. As I waited for my receipt, I looked up and saw a sign that read, 95 years in business. My thoughts were interrupted by the woman handing me my credit card and saying thank you. I said, “thank you and merry Christmas,” turned around and walked toward the door. The candy house was not a place to linger four days before Christmas, so I picked my way through the customers and I heard “number 31” called behind me.
When I reached the door, I turned back around for a moment and looked at the sign. I breathed in the smell one last time. I stepped through the door to the parking lot; I did not know if this was the last time I would come here. I smiled and I had tears behind my eyes. Going to that red shingle building was like visiting my great grandmother. I remembered when she was 95. I remembered the smell, both warm, sweet, and old that enveloped me when I walked in her house. I remembered the box of fudge she would have tucked in the China cabinet out of sight, but not out of mind. I felt grateful that this building brought her back into my presence. And I felt sad that I didn’t know when it would end.
I wouldn’t know about this candy house without my great grandmother. Their fudge was one of her favorite things, and it was one of the things she shared with me when I was growing up. My great grandmother would be 136 years old if she were alive today. The thought made me feel simultaneously old and brought me right back to myself when I was 20 and my great grandmother was 95.
I bought the fudge as a Christmas gift for my mom and her two sisters, even though I don’t know if they really care to have it. I bought the fudge because I couldn’t buy it for my grandmother anymore. I bought the fudge because I hoped for some connection, some glimmer of recognition and love from my mom and my aunts. It wasn’t really about the fudge. It was about our family. So, really I bought the fudge for me; for the feelings and the memories I wanted to feel connected to, especially at Christmas.
It was 17 degrees on my morning walk today. The sea water was frozen in grooves of sand. But as I looked out at the water, a feeling of warmth came over me. The warmth of family, chosen family, and friends. The warmth stayed with me on my walk back to the car and on my drive to my office. The winter here has a way of surprising me year after year. In its freezing landscapes, subdued colors, and quiet light, it still gives healing so generously.
